What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 07:38
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She loved him until the end.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
What is the difference between the Bible and the Qur'an?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was scared of men, in general
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I never cut or harmed myself..
My family never makes their pension either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We were not on the streets..
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was seconnd youngest,
I was 9 years of age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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He knew the spot.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So, i spoilt her more .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My life is so biszare .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She married twice! .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im still living with it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other